When God Invades Your Pity Party

I feel horrible. It's just been one of those nights where you're like "WOW, what the heck am I even doing?"

At church we did a "spiritual gifts assessment". Well, I scored low on pretty much every category. Yeah. :( From that point on, I've been pretty grumpy and bummed tonight. That's just not a fun thing to see: hey, you're pretty average at everything! I know that test is man made and not supposed to be a sure-fire indicator. It's just for kicks, kinda. But still. It bothered me. I mean put yourself in my shoes: I suck at sports. I'm not good at school. I'm not a musician. I don't have any special talents. I can't sing. I can't even skate--roller or ice. The only thing I've ever loved or been passionate about long-term is Jesus. And since I'm human, I'm not even very good at loving him all the time. I mess up a lot. So after this test, I just felt like nothing. (I know that wasn't the goal of the thing and I'm not downing it at all.) I know I'm 16 and maybe my gifts, niches, whatever haven't developed yet. But all that was and has been running through my head is that I have no passion for anything but God and i'm not even all that good at that at this point so what am I even doing right now? Is my life just kinda at a standstill and I'm waiting to board the train of adulthood where i'll be running around aimlessly? I know God has a plan for me. I do. But what about right now? What am I supposed to do?
....
All that kept running through my head was this: All I have going for me is God.

Then came the waves of feeling like a total idiot. Which I am still basking in.

Oh really, Hannah? That's all you have going for you?

In the midst of all my wallowing and self pity, I was like "Dang, God. Way to emphasize two words of MY OWN sentence in a way that shows me just how ridiculous it is." I just felt God repeat :
"ALL I have going for me is GOD. Are you actually listening to what you've been telling yourself Hannah?"
At that point I was blown away. And I was embarrassed to have been thinking that over and over as if it was a horrible plague. As if that wasn't enough; I also needed to be athletic, intelligent, whatever else. And I knew God wasn't chastising me, just showing me where I was seriously mistaken. I apologized for slamming His character so severely though. I swear, I can't really think of a time where I have thought such an ironic statement in my head. SO STUPID!

If someone only has one thing going for them, in their entire life, one thing in their favor wouldn't anyone want it to be God?! Money can disappear. Good looks definitely won't last forever. After high school or college, athleticism doesn't do much for most people. Intelligence will get you far, but where's the passion in it? God is much more than enough to have on my side. He made me, he knows what my purpose is. I never realized this before, but God knew what He was doing when He made me uncoordinated and clumsy. When he didn't give me the talent to catch on quickly to, well, most things school related. All these years I've felt ripped off. Like, alright God, where's my share of talent? Oh...I don't get any...? Well okay.
NO!
I think it's possible that God was making it clear to me that from the very beginning, all He wanted for me was Himself. By no means do I all of a sudden know why I'm here...but I realize that whatever it is, it must be good. I mean, God pretty much cleared me out of options to be distracted by. He knew that I'd have a little bit of a grudge against my lack of abilities that I consider "important". But He sees my whooooole life, and saw that it'd be worth it for me to be a little peeved for a while. Why? Because He knew that after a night full of self pity, I'd finally listen to Him
ALL you have is ME.
 I'm so grateful for that.
In the times that I've run from God, I've only ever felt empty. I'm not a good person without Him...I can't bring myself to be. I've seen how good He is, so when I was running from God, any goodness or sweet behavior just reminded me of Him. I knew any "goodness" I could muster would just be fake.

All that is just more evidence that God is the only good thing in me. He is all that I have going for me, and I will declare that proudly. I'm not naturally kind, easy tempered, anything. Truly, I'm not. All those things come from God. So that's all the more reason that I'm going to just pursue Him even more. I'm sure over the years He'll reveal gifts, talents, everything I need. But I'm going to use my "disadvantages" right now to His advantage and trust that I'll turn out the way He wants in the end.

I don't care what I am in the end. I just want it to make Him glad He made me.