I feel horrible. It's just been one of those nights where you're like "WOW, what the heck am I even doing?"
At church we did a "spiritual gifts assessment". Well, I scored low on pretty much every category. Yeah. :( From that point on, I've been pretty grumpy and bummed tonight. That's just not a fun thing to see: hey, you're pretty average at everything! I know that test is man made and not supposed to be a sure-fire indicator. It's just for kicks, kinda. But still. It bothered me. I mean put yourself in my shoes: I suck at sports. I'm not good at school. I'm not a musician. I don't have any special talents. I can't sing. I can't even skate--roller or ice. The only thing I've ever loved or been passionate about long-term is Jesus. And since I'm human, I'm not even very good at loving him all the time. I mess up a lot. So after this test, I just felt like nothing. (I know that wasn't the goal of the thing and I'm not downing it at all.) I know I'm 16 and maybe my gifts, niches, whatever haven't developed yet. But all that was and has been running through my head is that I have no passion for anything but God and i'm not even all that good at that at this point so what am I even doing right now? Is my life just kinda at a standstill and I'm waiting to board the train of adulthood where i'll be running around aimlessly? I know God has a plan for me. I do. But what about right now? What am I supposed to do?
....
All that kept running through my head was this: All I have going for me is God.
Then came the waves of feeling like a total idiot. Which I am still basking in.
Oh really, Hannah? That's all you have going for you?
In the midst of all my wallowing and self pity, I was like "Dang, God. Way to emphasize two words of MY OWN sentence in a way that shows me just how ridiculous it is." I just felt God repeat :
"ALL I have going for me is GOD. Are you actually listening to what you've been telling yourself Hannah?"
At that point I was blown away. And I was embarrassed to have been thinking that over and over as if it was a horrible plague. As if that wasn't enough; I also needed to be athletic, intelligent, whatever else. And I knew God wasn't chastising me, just showing me where I was seriously mistaken. I apologized for slamming His character so severely though. I swear, I can't really think of a time where I have thought such an ironic statement in my head. SO STUPID!
If someone only has one thing going for them, in their entire life, one thing in their favor wouldn't anyone want it to be God?! Money can disappear. Good looks definitely won't last forever. After high school or college, athleticism doesn't do much for most people. Intelligence will get you far, but where's the passion in it? God is much more than enough to have on my side. He made me, he knows what my purpose is. I never realized this before, but God knew what He was doing when He made me uncoordinated and clumsy. When he didn't give me the talent to catch on quickly to, well, most things school related. All these years I've felt ripped off. Like, alright God, where's my share of talent? Oh...I don't get any...? Well okay.
NO!
I think it's possible that God was making it clear to me that from the very beginning, all He wanted for me was Himself. By no means do I all of a sudden know why I'm here...but I realize that whatever it is, it must be good. I mean, God pretty much cleared me out of options to be distracted by. He knew that I'd have a little bit of a grudge against my lack of abilities that I consider "important". But He sees my whooooole life, and saw that it'd be worth it for me to be a little peeved for a while. Why? Because He knew that after a night full of self pity, I'd finally listen to Him
ALL you have is ME.
I'm so grateful for that.
In the times that I've run from God, I've only ever felt empty. I'm not a good person without Him...I can't bring myself to be. I've seen how good He is, so when I was running from God, any goodness or sweet behavior just reminded me of Him. I knew any "goodness" I could muster would just be fake.
All that is just more evidence that God is the only good thing in me. He is all that I have going for me, and I will declare that proudly. I'm not naturally kind, easy tempered, anything. Truly, I'm not. All those things come from God. So that's all the more reason that I'm going to just pursue Him even more. I'm sure over the years He'll reveal gifts, talents, everything I need. But I'm going to use my "disadvantages" right now to His advantage and trust that I'll turn out the way He wants in the end.
I don't care what I am in the end. I just want it to make Him glad He made me.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Faith: "Standing Firmly"
Colossians 1:19-23
19 For God in all his fullness
was pleased to live in Christ,
20 and through him God reconciled
everything to himself.
He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth
by means of Christ’s blood on the cross.21 This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. 22 Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.
23 But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News. The Good News has been preached all over the world, and I, Paul, have been appointed as God’s servant to proclaim it.
Are you sure about that, God?
Up above, Paul is reinforcing the fact that God did it all. After we truly confess our sins, we're saved and right with God. No ifs, ands, or buts! God already forgot whatever we apologized for. He doesn't keep a record. However, it is so hard for us to grasp that. Very much myself included. Sometimes when I think about things that I've done that I know probably made God sick to His stomach, I feel like I could get sick, too. It never fails that there's a little voice on the inside that whispers "that's over with" and "you're a new creation" and "no longer I but Christ in me"...but it's hard to grasp those things when you've already let yourself feel that sting of guilt. When this happens to me, often I find myself (literally) repeating over and over in my head that "that was the old me" and "the Lord is my strength". It gets me through, and slowly I'm starting to actually believe those things. Maybe believe isn't the right word...I know that I've been forgiven and I'm different. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I'm actually starting to have faith that those statements apply to me.
"Stand firmly...Don't drift."
God says what he means, he doesn't have any "scratch that" moments. So why don't we take him at His word? Not once has He lied or broken a promise. Stand firmly, don't drift...
"But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News."
It almost feels as if Paul is pleading with the Colossians to remain faithful. I'd dare say God is pleading with us to remain faithful, too. I wonder what it would feel like to trust God with reckless abandon...to just make a decision in myself to have faith in what He says is true. I think standing firmly isn't always an emotional high of "I believe God so much right now and I'm blameless and everything is going to be GREAT!", even though there's not much necessarily wrong with that. But it's easy to trust God when you're all stirred up and see His presence everywhere you turn. What about the times your past is attacking you and people are mocking you and you can barely hear God whispering "I'm still here,"?......."But you MUST continue to to believe this truth and STAND FIRMLY ON IT." We have to be faithful; we have to share that same unwavering devotion God has for us. And the great part is, he knows we'll mess up sometimes, but "If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny who He is." -2 Timothy 4:6-8.
Anyone can follow and trust God in the good times. Anyone with even a mustard seed of faith can trust Him in the bad times, too. You don't have to be a special kind of person with extraordinary strength. When you are afraid, feeling guilty, anything, take a step of faith and say "I believe what You declare over me, Lord." Then, get your bible out and remind yourself of the love and promises God has for you. I find that the remedy for my falling short is always God. I'm talking to myself here, too yall. We've just got to stop and have faith.
"Faith is seeing light with your heart when all your eyes see is the darkness ahead." -Unknown
19 For God in all his fullness
was pleased to live in Christ,
20 and through him God reconciled
everything to himself.
He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth
by means of Christ’s blood on the cross.21 This includes you who were once far away from God. You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions. 22 Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body. As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless as you stand before him without a single fault.
23 But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News. The Good News has been preached all over the world, and I, Paul, have been appointed as God’s servant to proclaim it.
Are you sure about that, God?
Up above, Paul is reinforcing the fact that God did it all. After we truly confess our sins, we're saved and right with God. No ifs, ands, or buts! God already forgot whatever we apologized for. He doesn't keep a record. However, it is so hard for us to grasp that. Very much myself included. Sometimes when I think about things that I've done that I know probably made God sick to His stomach, I feel like I could get sick, too. It never fails that there's a little voice on the inside that whispers "that's over with" and "you're a new creation" and "no longer I but Christ in me"...but it's hard to grasp those things when you've already let yourself feel that sting of guilt. When this happens to me, often I find myself (literally) repeating over and over in my head that "that was the old me" and "the Lord is my strength". It gets me through, and slowly I'm starting to actually believe those things. Maybe believe isn't the right word...I know that I've been forgiven and I'm different. Maybe it would be more accurate to say that I'm actually starting to have faith that those statements apply to me.
"Stand firmly...Don't drift."
God says what he means, he doesn't have any "scratch that" moments. So why don't we take him at His word? Not once has He lied or broken a promise. Stand firmly, don't drift...
"But you must continue to believe this truth and stand firmly in it. Don’t drift away from the assurance you received when you heard the Good News."
It almost feels as if Paul is pleading with the Colossians to remain faithful. I'd dare say God is pleading with us to remain faithful, too. I wonder what it would feel like to trust God with reckless abandon...to just make a decision in myself to have faith in what He says is true. I think standing firmly isn't always an emotional high of "I believe God so much right now and I'm blameless and everything is going to be GREAT!", even though there's not much necessarily wrong with that. But it's easy to trust God when you're all stirred up and see His presence everywhere you turn. What about the times your past is attacking you and people are mocking you and you can barely hear God whispering "I'm still here,"?......."But you MUST continue to to believe this truth and STAND FIRMLY ON IT." We have to be faithful; we have to share that same unwavering devotion God has for us. And the great part is, he knows we'll mess up sometimes, but "If we are unfaithful, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny who He is." -2 Timothy 4:6-8.
Anyone can follow and trust God in the good times. Anyone with even a mustard seed of faith can trust Him in the bad times, too. You don't have to be a special kind of person with extraordinary strength. When you are afraid, feeling guilty, anything, take a step of faith and say "I believe what You declare over me, Lord." Then, get your bible out and remind yourself of the love and promises God has for you. I find that the remedy for my falling short is always God. I'm talking to myself here, too yall. We've just got to stop and have faith.
"Faith is seeing light with your heart when all your eyes see is the darkness ahead." -Unknown
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I figured it would be a good start to just explain why I'm doing this whole thing in the first place. :)
My sister Desiree (her blog is desireesurrendered.blogspot.com ) is on a "media fast". It's where you take a certain amount of time--forty days in this case--and take all the time spent watching TV, creepin on Facebook, whatever it is, and invest that time in reading your bible, prayer, family time, etc. It's something her church is doing as a whole. I didn't think it was a bad when she told me about it at all, but I didn't really see what the real need for it was. Obviously if you're addicted to media, you need to lay off, but I'm not and my spiritual life is just fine, so no need, right?
Well, I went to their church this morning. I've been there a bunch before, and it's a fantastic place. You can tell that the people there love and are hungry for God, not to just "play christian" and then be on autopilot till next Sunday. So I was really looking forward to the message! Well, the pastor gets up there and starts talking about the fast and I'm thinkin' "Oh great. I don't need this fast, so I reckon I'll have to wait till next week to hear a sermon"...God and I obviously weren't on the same page. I guess I was being a little arrogant, who knows. Anyway, I still payed attention to what he was saying and it shocked me when I started to realize this was something that not only could I benefit from as a person, but it would make me closer to God. Believe me when I say I love God. I do. Sometimes I have my days when I don't necessarily FEEL like making any effort and so on, but I'm human and He is patient with me. And sometimes I feel complacent with our relationship and get too comfortable. Which isn't good, it's actually quite dangerous. We can NEVER have enough of God in us. It's impossible. But, and I know i'm not alone, sometimes I think "Okay, God. I'm good right here. I've got all I need and I don't really feel like pushing for more."
That was my opinion on this fast.
BUT...I realize now that everyone could benefit from this.Why? For one thing, when we are zoned out on Facebook or TV, there is no telling what kinds of things are entering our minds. Our minds are being SO passive! That's a breeding ground for impure thoughts, which lead to impure actions, which are obviously sins. Aren't we supposed to be set apart? We've GOT to guard ourselves.
Beware of being "satisfied"
Also, I think about the times during prayer that I've prayed something along the lines of "God, I want more of You, but I don't really know what to do." Lemme stop right there. God is lacking nothing. HE is what makes us whole. We will never ever eeeeeeeeeeevvvvvveeeerrrrr have the opportunity to say something like "God, I'm just doin all I can, now You do Your part." And if we think we do, think again. That's foolish. He did his part on the cross. Anything hindering us from a closer relationship with God is simply us. He put it all out there for us.
That said, I'm ready for more. I realize that I do not and can not have "enough God". In fact, the more I think about it, I've been starving myself of him. I do pray throughout the day and try to read at night, but that's not the best of what I can give. That's leftovers, and He deserves more. Actually, He deserves everything. So I'm putting my life on surrender mode. I'm not wasting my time anymore, I'm learning more about the One who loves me with incredible passion.
You're waking up at what time...?!
One aspect of this fast is going to prayer at 6 am at the church. This is optional of course, but as the pastor said, "You'll get as much out of this as you put into it." So, I intend on giving it my all. I'm gonna mess up ALOT. I can already see it. But that's okay, i'm a work in progress. On a side note, I do think it's a beautiful thing to wake up early in the morning and start your day focused on Him. That's a sacrifice, and I don't think we make enough of those. I'm actually looking forward to starting my days off with the God who decided to wake me up this morning.
Anyways, the main objective of this fast is to fall even more deeply in love with God. I hope this journey might make ya consider your own relationship with Him, and if you've held your hand up to God and said "Stop right there, I'm satisfied and I think I can please you well enough from this distance." Please take a good look at yourself. Don't get arrogant like I was, test yourself against what Scripture says a follower of Christ looks like, not how your friends act. (In a "well at least i'm better than that" way. That's not what God does, He looks at us individually) He thinks about you allllll the time, and loves you more than you can imagine.
PS-Feel free to comment, I'd love to know who's reading. :)
My sister Desiree (her blog is desireesurrendered.blogspot.com ) is on a "media fast". It's where you take a certain amount of time--forty days in this case--and take all the time spent watching TV, creepin on Facebook, whatever it is, and invest that time in reading your bible, prayer, family time, etc. It's something her church is doing as a whole. I didn't think it was a bad when she told me about it at all, but I didn't really see what the real need for it was. Obviously if you're addicted to media, you need to lay off, but I'm not and my spiritual life is just fine, so no need, right?
Well, I went to their church this morning. I've been there a bunch before, and it's a fantastic place. You can tell that the people there love and are hungry for God, not to just "play christian" and then be on autopilot till next Sunday. So I was really looking forward to the message! Well, the pastor gets up there and starts talking about the fast and I'm thinkin' "Oh great. I don't need this fast, so I reckon I'll have to wait till next week to hear a sermon"...God and I obviously weren't on the same page. I guess I was being a little arrogant, who knows. Anyway, I still payed attention to what he was saying and it shocked me when I started to realize this was something that not only could I benefit from as a person, but it would make me closer to God. Believe me when I say I love God. I do. Sometimes I have my days when I don't necessarily FEEL like making any effort and so on, but I'm human and He is patient with me. And sometimes I feel complacent with our relationship and get too comfortable. Which isn't good, it's actually quite dangerous. We can NEVER have enough of God in us. It's impossible. But, and I know i'm not alone, sometimes I think "Okay, God. I'm good right here. I've got all I need and I don't really feel like pushing for more."
That was my opinion on this fast.
BUT...I realize now that everyone could benefit from this.Why? For one thing, when we are zoned out on Facebook or TV, there is no telling what kinds of things are entering our minds. Our minds are being SO passive! That's a breeding ground for impure thoughts, which lead to impure actions, which are obviously sins. Aren't we supposed to be set apart? We've GOT to guard ourselves.
Beware of being "satisfied"
Also, I think about the times during prayer that I've prayed something along the lines of "God, I want more of You, but I don't really know what to do." Lemme stop right there. God is lacking nothing. HE is what makes us whole. We will never ever eeeeeeeeeeevvvvvveeeerrrrr have the opportunity to say something like "God, I'm just doin all I can, now You do Your part." And if we think we do, think again. That's foolish. He did his part on the cross. Anything hindering us from a closer relationship with God is simply us. He put it all out there for us.
That said, I'm ready for more. I realize that I do not and can not have "enough God". In fact, the more I think about it, I've been starving myself of him. I do pray throughout the day and try to read at night, but that's not the best of what I can give. That's leftovers, and He deserves more. Actually, He deserves everything. So I'm putting my life on surrender mode. I'm not wasting my time anymore, I'm learning more about the One who loves me with incredible passion.
You're waking up at what time...?!
One aspect of this fast is going to prayer at 6 am at the church. This is optional of course, but as the pastor said, "You'll get as much out of this as you put into it." So, I intend on giving it my all. I'm gonna mess up ALOT. I can already see it. But that's okay, i'm a work in progress. On a side note, I do think it's a beautiful thing to wake up early in the morning and start your day focused on Him. That's a sacrifice, and I don't think we make enough of those. I'm actually looking forward to starting my days off with the God who decided to wake me up this morning.
Anyways, the main objective of this fast is to fall even more deeply in love with God. I hope this journey might make ya consider your own relationship with Him, and if you've held your hand up to God and said "Stop right there, I'm satisfied and I think I can please you well enough from this distance." Please take a good look at yourself. Don't get arrogant like I was, test yourself against what Scripture says a follower of Christ looks like, not how your friends act. (In a "well at least i'm better than that" way. That's not what God does, He looks at us individually) He thinks about you allllll the time, and loves you more than you can imagine.
PS-Feel free to comment, I'd love to know who's reading. :)
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