Beauty

As a 16-year-old, I think about beauty a lot. I think about what it really is, how to have it, why it's important. If you know me well at all, then you probably know that I'm super crazy about makeup. I love playing around with it and I think of it like another accessory, or so I thought. But lately I've been feeling less and less okay with my own "beauty". To be honest, I'm pretty much just writing this to remind myself of what I really believe about what it means to be a beautiful person.

I believe a beautiful person loves God and others way more than themselves. She knows her value doesn't come in an eyeliner, a boy, or what she wears. She knows her only value lies in that Christ is making her into a new person. She's patient, kind, and not afraid to go against the crowd and do what's right. She doesn't critique and tear down other girls in an effort to feel better about herself. She doesn't gossip about other people, because she loves them. She'll pray for a friend in need, but more so than that she'll be on her knees all night on behalf of her enemies.

There's a lot of stuff that comes to my mind when I think of someone who's beautiful, but a HUGE majority of those things can't be bought. I truly look forward to who God's is making me. I really believe it when he says I'm a new creation. I trust that He's going to form my character into something beautiful. That's really what I want: a radiant heart filled with a love for Christ and everyone else. I want to be someone that younger people can look up to, not because of ANYTHING that I've ever done, but because God kept his word and brought beauty from the ashes I gave Him. And I can't take credit for any of it. I don't want to. "No longer I but Christ is inside of me"...so anything beautiful that may come out of my life wont come from me, but the One who lives in me. I'm so thankful already.

--Hannah.

My Testimony, as of an almost-17-year-old.

I feel like I can't really share the Word and revelations that God gives me when I write without letting people know where I come from. I feel the need to share where I've been, how bad I've let it get, and how radically God saved me. It's a little scary being that vulnerable considering I have NO clue who could read this, but I really hope that someone who's down will be able to relate and realize that no matter what they've done, where they've fallen, it's not beyond God to redeem and heal. In fact, that's his whole plan: to redeem us back to Him. This isn't a sob story, it's true. I forgave the people that burned me, and I have so much joy now that's deeper than any circumstance. 

So here we go.

I lived in Alabama until I was 10 years old. I was kinda "raised Christian," but I never went to church regularly. I've never truly known my dad. He walked out when I was three, and died a few years back. I trust that God has a reason for that, and I'm so thankful that He protected me from some of the things that I could have dealt due to lack of that male figure in my life. I had one friend in Alabama, Courtney, and we're still great friends today. A huge majority of the other kids my age--mostly girls (the boys just ignored me)--were endlessly hateful to me starting in about the third grade.  Desiree (my sister if you didn't know) recalls me bawling when I got home from school plenty of times. I hated, hated, HATED being at school. I remember one instance on our "bathroom break" in third grade there were 3 girls that pointed out every little flaw about my outfit and entire appearance. I didn't match, my shoes were stupid, my bangs were uneven, my teeth were crooked, and numerous other things. I can still remember their names and I hope I've never hurt someone as bad as they hurt 9-year old me. I see now that they were probably just insecure about themselves. However, that's burned into my mind as when my self esteem issues started. 

Then, after a hellish 4th grade year, I moved to where I live now (keeping that secure, due to creepers lol). The aspect of moving outta town I wasn't psyched about was that I couldn't take Court with me. It's tough leaving your best friend since kindergarten! But we said our good-byes and I was gone. I still see her a couple times a year :). 5th and 6th grade were really good years for the most part. We had a really small class and I had some great friends. My insecurities were still deeply embedded in my heart and mind, but I feel that 5th and 6th grade were really great finishing touches to my young childhood. The summer before 6th, I went to my first ever REAL summer camp. My sister (Rachel) and her husband (Adam) paid for me to go and I was so excited. It didn't even matter to me that I knew not one person at the camp, I was excited to make new friends. The girls were complete sweethearts and so were my cabin leaders. They were all so welcoming and I think that set the atmosphere for what happened inside 11-year-old Hannah that week. On the second or third night at camp I got saved. I understood what it meant, and was so excited about Jesus. The band was playing "How Great is Our God." I truly believe I was filled with the Holy Spirit that night, because ever since then I have had a never-ending tugging at my heart for the things of God. No matter how far I've fallen, I've always felt Him beckoning me to come back, even when everything else in me says I never, EVER could do that. But I'm getting ahead of myself! :) 

So a year after that I began seventh grade. I hadn't brushed God aside, but looking back, I see that I put Him in a box. And in that box, He was very unhappy with me and everything I did. ALL of my bedtime prayers basically consisted of me begging God to forgive me of anything bad I'd done that day so I could go to heaven if I died in my sleep. He didn't love me all that much. At least that's what I thought. And I was very afraid of Him.

Seventh grade was the worst year of school I've ever been through. I had to go to a different school than all of my friends because of a family situation. I don't blame my family for that at all, it had to be done and it was a huge learning experience. But that year my insecurities raged. They literally consumed my thoughts, everything. I'm not proud of that at all. I constantly compared myself to other "prettier" girls in my school. They made fun of me, too. But not to my face and naturally they were more vicious than the third graders. I have a journal from seventh grade, and it makes me so sad to see the things I wrote down as prayers. Such as "God please do something to make me as pretty as (insert name here). Fix my eyesight so I don't have to wear glasses, straighten out my teeth, give me boobs, SOMETHING. I feel disgusting all the time. -Hannah"....Yeah. I realize that as a 7th grader, I could've stepped up and been a bigger person and all, but I didn't. But you know what? I learned from it. 

Then, Summer '08 came around and it worked out so I could go back to the school where all my friends were! I was pumped. In 8th grade, I think my biggest struggle second to comparing myself to others was trying to "fit in". I remember having serious dilemmas in my mind over who to sit with at lunch: the popular girls who would let me sit when them, but we weren't all that close so I didn't say much. OR my real friends, who were really good girls. (If you guys read this, I really value the friendships we had and I'm glad I finally got over it and sat with yall ;) ) Along with 8th also came my first real boyfirend and therefore first real broken heart. Totally messed me up at the time, but we're great friends now. 

Oh boy, do we really have to talk about freshman year? May as well... My best friend Taylor had invited me to her church that summer and for the first time in my entire life, I actually belonged somewhere. I loved the people, the worship, the messages, and most of all that I could count on an encounter with God every single time I came. The summer before freshman year and into the beginning of it, I grew in my relationship with Jesus. I started seeing Him in new, more real way. Not just as someone who moved me to tears at summer camp and scared me to death the rest of the time. And then, slowly but surely, Tay and I fell into the lie that SO MANY teens fall into. The whole "You don't want to waste your youth being 'goody goody', you have to live it up!" and "You're only young once" crap. Let me interrupt myself for a second about only being young once. DUH YOU'RE ONLY YOUNG ONCE! So why in sam heck would you want to waste your awesome youth getting drunk, high, having sex, causing yourself such pain and leaving yourself in a huge mess that could take years to sift through and deal with? That's a whole 'nother entry though. Back to fresh-meat year. SO anyway, we fell for it. We did some ridiculous things, dressed in a completely vulgar way, and filth just rolled out of our mouths. And the thing is I'd go to church, feel convicted, apologize, and give up on my "re-dedication" by second period Monday morning. It was an endless cycle. I hated it so much, but I didn't see how it would ever end so I pretty much quit fighting it. Towards the end of 9th, I got involved with an older guy behind my mom's back. I literally lied and told her I would be with a friend and walked out the door only to get into his car. I was stressed out all the time because I hated lying to her, but I thought it was worth it. Well, she found out. All the sneaking out, dating, everything. She was furious and with good reason. I can't think of a time when I've felt so horrible...she was so disappointed in me and it crushed me. But on the day she found out, even though I broke her heart and trust, she held me while I cried my eyes out and endlessly apologized for hurting her. She kept telling me "It'll be okay. I still love you so much, you'll have to earn my trust again but you can do it." I truly got a glimpse of what unconditional love is in that moment. 

After that, I found my way to repentance and tried so hard to please God. It's not that I didn't love God, believe in Him, anything like that. It's just that I still hadn't seen Him in the way I do now. I was too proud. 

I can sum up my spiritual life sophomore year in one word: struggle. I had a new determination that I would follow God no matter what. But the determination itself distracted me from my real goal: an intimate relationship with my savior. I was trying to EARN my relationship with Him. If you would have told me that I was doing so, I would have refused such a thing up and down. I was SO PROUD. I'm not going to lie, I would compare myself to other people and think "Hey, at least i'm better than that, God." I wasn't satisfied, and I knew something was wrong on the inside, but I figured I was good enough so it would be okay. I'd deal with it later. Then, second semester sophomore year, I got a job. I couldn't go to church anymore because I worked Sundays. I was still determined not to screw up and hurt mom again, though. But lemme tell you, it's a slow fade. And I definitely faded. I got bad grades, a cold heart, and a new guy who was just beyond wrong for me. I was so broken by the end of that combination that I found myself on the bedroom floor, Father's Day 2011, at the absolute lowest point emotionally, spiritually, everything, that I have ever been at. I could barely make myself pray this through my tears because I felt so unworthy to ever even be allowed to speak to God again: "God, I'm so sorry. I'm so unworthy, I'm so filthy. Please forgive me if you can, I'm so sorry." I expected to feel nothing, but desperately hoped for something. But I didn’t feel “nothing.” Not at all. It was like God just scooped me up right there and held me so tightly that the only thing I could feel was forgiveness and love. It changed me. That was NOT the God I had been acquainted with! That He was so in love with me to forgive me for everything? As soon as I was ready to lay down my pride and excuses and lies? It was so ridiculous. I just stayed there on the floor, while my savior held me in my pain and let me know He'd help me. He’d take me to new heights in a relationship with him.

I'm not going to say it was all sunshine and rainbows after that...it was hard. I had to deal with the consequences of my actions and the heart ache that came with them, but I didn't go it alone. Every single day since then I've prayed that God would fill me with that same love He showed me that night. And it held me together. All I want, since then, is for every fiber of my being to be so full of that radically deep love that I have to share it with other people. That people could get a glimpse of Jesus through the way I love others. And I soooooo can't be that loving without Him. As you could see, on my own strength I can't even love myself. And yes, I have most definitely messed up since then. But when I stumble, I remember how passionately He loves me and it's enough to lift me back onto my feet.

Since then, I'm truly SAVED. Not just going to Heaven. I'm saved from who I used to be, who I am without God. And I'm so thankful for that because He really is the only good thing in me. 

Basically, if you've read this whole huge thing, there's basically two things I sincerely hope you take away from my story: 1) That I'm not perfect. I've screwed up big time before, I shied away from giving details because this is so public, but if you want to talk I'd more than likely be happy to share with you. I'm not saying anyone thought I was great or anything, but I felt the need to pair a testimony to back up other things I write. I know what I've been saved from, and I don't wanna go back. I have to give it up everyday, because if I don't pride will creep in and I know I could fall again. and 2) No matter who you are, what you're into, how deep you are into it, anything...even if you have told God that He can stick it where the sun don't shine, I promise you that He will take you back. He's so in love with you, so don't worry if you're broken.

I and many others are proof that:

"We know that God works all things together for good for the ones who love God, for those who are called according to his purpose."-Romans 8:28

It's truly beautiful.

Thanks for your time :),

Hannah.

hannahdorelle@gmail.com